"How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal in Relationships: This Book May Have the Answers for You"

This article is Lu Canwei's 48th original piece.

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Recently, I happened to see a video by Teacher Banfo, who recommended several books, one of which is "The Game of Love." Just a couple of days ago was Valentine's Day, so today I’d like to share some reading notes with you.

This book redefines the relationship between the sexes not as eternal vows or undying love, but as a game.

Game theory began to gain popularity during the Cold War, primarily used to predict the behavior of hostile nations. The foundation of game theory is mathematics, first proposed by John von Neumann and Oscar Morgenstern in their seminal work "Theory of Games and Economic Behavior."

Yes, that's right, the father of computer science, John von Neumann.

The zero-sum game is perhaps the most well-known concept in game theory. A zero-sum game indicates that the total benefit for all players is zero or a constant; that is, if one party gains, the others must lose. In simpler terms, if you lose, all your money is mine. One party's gain comes at the expense of another's loss, so the combined score of the winner and loser is always zero.

The Game of Love

Take the issue of who does the housework, for example; many couples likely encounter this problem. If we evaluate the benefit of cleaning on a scale from 0 to 10, for the woman, her benefits can be divided into several situations:

Thus, from the perspective of game theory, regardless of whether the woman cleans or not, her maximum benefit requires the man's participation, so the total benefit is 14 points.

Now, looking from the man's perspective, he also does not want the house to be too messy, but he is unwilling to clean. Therefore, his benefits can be divided into several situations:

It can be seen that the man's maximum benefit also requires the woman's participation, and his own cleaning only has a 1-point impact.

From this example, we can see that only through cooperation can both parties maximize their benefits.

If you do not trust your partner, you will try to change them to maximize your own benefits. The same goes for your partner. In the previous example, if both parties hope the other will do the cleaning to achieve maximum benefit, then an uncooperative attitude will only lead to arguments and conflicts.

When both parties are willing to change their behavior for each other's benefit, trust is established. The more trust there is, the more care there is for each other. If they believe in each other, they will change their behavior to increase the other's benefits.

Nobel Prize-winning mathematician John Nash proposed the concept of Nash equilibrium, which indicates that both parties will eventually stop at a point where their benefits are maximized, and even slight changes will not increase them. Unlike typical players, partners trust each other.

Another commonly heard example is when one partner is often busy working overtime, while the other may suspect that they are not working but are instead meeting someone of the opposite sex. If both parties consider each other's interests, the busy partner might proactively send a message or call to dispel such doubts, while the other might prepare a late-night snack for when they return.

Family Meetings

The probability of both partners focusing their attention at the same time is only 9%, meaning that in 91% of cases, communication is not smooth. This is why various problems arise.

The best way to resolve conflicts is to hold a "family meeting" once a week, guided by the Gottman-Labovitz blueprint for meaningful discussions. The meeting should last about an hour and include a very powerful theory: if you cannot articulate the other person's viewpoint satisfactorily, do not expect to persuade them, solve the problem, or reach a consensus.

In the context of romantic relationships, this method ensures that both the speaker and the listener share equal responsibility, effectively addressing the issue where the listener, feeling attacked, may retaliate or lose their composure.

During the discussion, if your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute or your blood oxygen saturation drops below 95% (you can wear a smart bracelet or watch), you may be on the verge of an emotional outburst, and at that point, the discussion should be paused. Once you have calmed down, both parties can return to the negotiation table to continue, and communication should be based on logic, neutrality, empathy, and focused attention.

The next step is to identify the points of disagreement to discuss. The first step is to express and listen; do not expect to persuade the other party, as this will only backfire. Partners with high trust will spontaneously initiate mechanisms to prevent losing control when disagreements arise. Here, the responsibilities of both parties differ.

The speaker's responsibilities are:

Understand, be tolerant, and transform criticism into wishes and positive needs.

The listener's responsibilities are:

Understand, listen without defensiveness, and empathize.

During the discussion, statements should focus on "I." The primary characteristic of "I" statements is that they reflect the speaker's feelings and experiences without blaming the partner. Using "you" statements will inevitably provoke defensiveness and retaliation, worsening the situation. Additionally, clearly state the specific issue or event you want to discuss from the outset, and avoid going off-topic. Finally, pay close attention to factors that may trigger your partner's emotions. Even if your viewpoint is correct, you may have two entirely different but equally valid perceptions.

Here, I have only shared one aspect of the book; there are many other insights that can challenge your worldview, such as how to determine if you and your partner trust each other, whether your partner might cheat, and what situations indicate that your current relationship is in crisis, etc. I won't elaborate on these; you can explore the book yourself.

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