"Never Raise a Cat"

Seeing the title, a reminder: this is not a drill! Everyone, please do not adopt a cat! If you do, you will regret it and become an addict who needs to pet a cat every day.

If you still have the interest to read on after seeing these few pictures, then let’s first get to know the furry kids at home.

VODKA

Born from a Chinese rural cat, Vodka is a top bird catcher, a jumper who doesn’t get hurt, the queen of the wardrobe, the queen of Jiading, and the highest tier of the disdain chain. Old Vodka can be considered the winner among rural cats and is the only cat in the house that bites people and ignores them.

First, let’s talk about Old Vodka’s history. As a rural cat, how did she rise to fame and now enjoy the company of three British Shorthair minions, living a life of luxury? If cats had WeChat, her courses would definitely sell out.

Let’s start with Old Vodka’s mom. Back in the day, she went looking for a sugar daddy while heavily pregnant. With her cleverness and disdain for humans, she knew that humans would be unable to resist the allure of cat companionship, thus climbing to the top of my friend’s company. Enthusiastic subordinate A contributed a litter box, enthusiastic subordinate B contributed cat food, and enthusiastic subordinate C willingly became a poop scooping machine, while the enthusiastic boss required everyone to scoop poop for their salary.

The success of the child largely comes from the accumulation of the parents, and then Old Vodka hit the jackpot, moving into a duplex villa. Young and energetic, Old Vodka began her hobby of bird catching, but after a while, she grew tired of this life. She became enamored with art, enjoying painting with liquids on bed sheets or leaving her confusion about this world on the bed, then using the products of her confusion to stimulate our brains with smells, allowing us to comprehend and transcend together. After seeing through the mundane world, perhaps no longer attached to it, she chose to leap down, hoping to end her life and reach the paradise of cat life. However, it turned out that the place where she could enslave humans was paradise.

So, she was completely fine; after jumping off the building, she rested for a few days and then was back to her lively self, catching birds.

WHISKY

Do not adopt a British Blue cat! Do not adopt a British Blue cat! Do not adopt a British Blue cat! This guy sheds a lot! If you do, congratulations, a Dyson vacuum + a robot vacuum is a must-have.

As a cat from Chongqing, after a long flight, the first thing this guy did when he got out of the cat carrier was to find the litter box and start eating, then keep eating, and eating, and eating! Generally, cats would hide, right? Ah, ah, ah, in a strange environment, so scared, whimpering and so on.

This guy is timid and fearful, but he also wants to take advantage of cheap things, so he is nicknamed the little citizen cat. When it comes to freeze-dried food and treats, he is always the first to rush in, afraid of being a second late, then grabs it and runs away to eat in hiding.

BRANDY

The third one in the house, closely related to the above guy. Ah Di’s mom is a silver shaded cat, a friend of Grandma SHAO. Originally, they had their eyes on our fat cat, the one above, and sent Fatty over, but he was chased off the bed by their daughter and could only sneakily watch her. In the end, he had no choice but to live out his days single.

Later, I heard that the girl was taken by a one-testicle male cat... taken by a one-testicle male cat...

This story tells us that pursuing a girl requires initiative!

Then the girl gave birth to Ah Di, who later came to replace his mother as a proton.

But this is hardly a proton; upon entering the house, no one could stand up to him. He fights everyone he meets, and even Old Vodka, the queen of the house, is annoyed and has to look down on everyone from the highest point in the house. When it comes to meals, he must be the first to grab, but still ends up losing. After all, Fatty’s weight is there.

GIN

Like Fatty, he is also a Chongqing cat with dual lineage. Due to some personal connections, he also came to our home. In Chongqing, he is considered a local tyrant, but at home, he is indeed a peaceful cat who avoids conflict.

He is exceptionally clingy; when he first arrived, he liked to stay in the cage, hissing at anyone who approached.

He is also the quietest and most well-behaved cat in the house, hardly ever meowing.

TEQUILA

Picked up from a trash can on Christmas Eve two years ago, he was probably just born not long ago, with his eyes still closed. I asked nearby vendors for a bag, but they only gave it to us if we bought something (really don’t want to say anything, we bought something to get a bag).

Due to a lack of experience with kittens, he was sent to professionals, but because he had been outside in the cold for too long during winter, he didn’t make it. In a sense, it was a release. Later, the costs were used to buy some cat food for other stray cats, hoping to help them survive a little longer and give them a chance to meet their destined poop scooper.

Back to the topic, why do I say don’t adopt a cat?

Because cat poop is extremely smelly! And there’s more than one pile every day, plus Old Vodka never covers her litter (she’s that confident), so the four cats make me an emotionless poop scooper every day.

Basically, the sofa is going to be ruined; the sofa at the previous place was suspected of being urinated on, and the bedding was also urinated on to the point of questioning life. Before leaving, Grandma SHAO, with the intention of fixing the sofa, took out a fan to blow on it, and then there was an indescribable smell in the air.

Basically, the sofa is going to be shredded; no amount of scratching posts can save it. Anything can be knocked over, cat food and litter scattered everywhere, but that’s nothing compared to the mess of poop (which largely tells you, poop scooper, that the toilet environment needs improvement) and the random peeing (think back to whether you’ve done something to offend them recently, like petting someone else’s cat).

Then there’s scratching; basically, there are scratches on my arms, head (the bald head has a particularly obvious mark), and belly, plus the shedding mentioned earlier. Without a Dyson and a robot vacuum, you can’t live like a human when you get home; just sweeping up the fur will keep you busy. And black clothes and pants basically need to be insulated; otherwise, you’ll have a hard time not getting fur stuck to them.

Also, they sleep during the day, and at night, when you’re trying to sleep, they start partying! Yes! Partying! The scene of four cats partying is a nightmare; imagine lying down comfortably, and suddenly a 10-pound furball drops from above onto your belly, and just as you’re about to lie back down, another one comes crashing down. Yes, we can have four of those.

At night, you can only sleep in a very strange position because all the key spots are occupied. If you disturb their sleep, refer to the previous point; it will make you question your life.

Various cat food, canned food, treats, toys, cat trees, etc., will make you say goodbye to shopping freely during Double Eleven and 618, turning you into someone who only hoards cat food, litter, and canned food for the master, becoming an emotionless money-making tool.

The above scenarios are amplified when you come home after working late into the night.

If you’ve read all of the above and still want to adopt,

Please don’t adopt on a whim. Despite their many headache-inducing traits, they will wake you up in the morning, lie beside you while you’re busy at the table, and stay by your side when you can’t sleep. Just like family, so I really can’t understand why some people abandon them. When you think about them facing hunger and cold outside, and being harmed by others who abuse animals, doesn’t your heart ache?

Here are some tips for cat ownership:

If it’s a purebred cat, please buy from a reputable cattery; health is the top priority, and don’t support disreputable catteries.

Try to buy relatively good imported cat food; while some domestic brands are also good, consider skipping 1-2 cups of coffee a month to buy some quality cat food.

Try not to buy small brand litter; it can hurt their paws (don’t ask me how I know). Tofu litter and bentonite litter are relatively good; others are inconvenient for odor absorption and cleaning.

Try to limit treats and canned food; occasional treats are fine. If you don’t want them to eat only cat food, consider some freeze-dried options, but they shouldn’t be a regular diet.

Water dispensers should be cleaned regularly; if you can’t manage that, just use a large cup and change the water daily.

Place some scratching posts around the house and try to keep their nails trimmed.

Finally, everyone must be wondering why all the names are related to alcohol; it’s because I used to love drinking!

Lastly, as usual, let me show you how Fatty managed to win by gaining weight.